12 September, 2010 04:23

SUBJECT: BEING MOM Since I’m having a good day today. It just got me thinking alot, about my kids, my life. I have becca who is eleven, cameron who is eight and a half, and gabrial who is almost ten months. However i would have another child. Older than gabe and younger than cameron. He/she would’ve been six this year. Just starting school this year probably. We were told to give the baby a name and since we didn’t know the gender, we decided on Alex. A good name for male or female. I miss alex at this time. Would he/she be a boy or girl? Happy? What color eyes? Hair? My smile or my ex’s? Tall or short like me? What would the favorite food, movie, cartoon be? Would he/she like stories or singing at bedtime? Or both? A mamas child or daddy’s? Does my child in heaven forgive? Forgive me for praying and begging God to take the baby away. Because it was ruining my relationship. Because it was already straining something that was already strained to begin with. We were just in the midst of another seperation when we found out. He thought i did it on purpose. I did not. But it hurts to think about. How could i have prayed something like that? Begged even! How? And how could God listen knowing the guilt i would feel later on? Is he just and kind?he is, i just wish he would speak louder and more clear to be easier understood. Forgive me my child for my sin and jealousy and anger and fear. Forgive me for not trusting god. For allowing him, begging him to take you away! Away from me forever. I hope to be reunited again one day my child. Until then lnow your mommy loves you. And is aleays thinking of you. And missing you. Wishing i had you here to hold and play and cuddle and love. May god forgive me also for the sin that was wrapped in my prayers back then?

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