anxiety and ex’s, need i say more!

It has been an interesting couple weeks I’d say. So many things going on at one time. So many things coming at me at one time. Sometimes it is hard to keep up and keep things straight. So much on my mind, and so much to say but its hard for the words to come at the same time. I think we will just start with words. Big words or small words, but words with a lot of meaning and feelings for me behind them.

ANXIETY: Now there is a big word. A word many people don’t understand, don’t think about and don’t care about. It is no big deal to most people. But for me, and people like me it is a very big word. A very difficult word to deal with. People like me are good at hiding and avoiding so most people are none the wiser to any difficulties we may have. Some of us are open and honest about those issues. Or atleast open and honest to certain people. Those few that we actually do trust completely. To those that we don’t we share very little and put on our happy face, everythings fine masks so you don’t see. Don’t juge us and don’t make us feel worse than we already do. What do you know about anxiety really? Let me explain atleast some of my anxiety to you. First, your heart races, you breath faster and more rapidly. You get almost like a cold sweat and then you start to panic. Your mind won’t quiet, it races with thoughts of bad things, panic sets in more, you begin to think you are going crazy. Your mind is telling you that your stupid or dumb, that everyone around you can see everything you hide, everything you don’t want anyone to see at all. Like they can just see through you. That they can hear your thoughts and see how you feel and what your thinking. Judging you even more. That is just some of what i go through. And then when you are with someone who does not understand, and they say things like its not that big of deal, they don’t know you, just relax, it just makes everything worse. Then at that point you are helping to just make it worse and make us, convince us that YES we are infact completely insane at this point. So the normal reaction to that is to just retreat! leave the area, the cause for the anxiety and then we will be ok if we just avoid things. then, then we will not feel so crazy and incompitent and insane all the time.

do you know anyone who goes through that. Before judging next time, maybe try to understand what they are feeling and thinking. Try to help and  calm them down. don’t try to FIX, we have tolearn to deal with these issues ourselves but a little compassion, comfort and kindness goes along way in any type of recovery.

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I have so many problems with my ( SOON TO BE) EX, he just doesn’t understand anything. And it just seems like he goes out of his way to make things miserable for me. He knows my triggers and issues and therefore, knows exactly what buttons to push and how and in what order. Why? For the pleasure in making me miserable? I don’t know. I would really like to know. Having him do this crap really does not make dealing with my issues and depression and anxiety any easier. But who said life was all about being easier. Certainly not me at all.

He hardly ever sees Gabe or wants to have him.Only pretty much when I have to work is it. Everything is Cameron, everything. And yet when Gabe reaches school age he still expects me to just hand him over like nothing. Like oh ok, here ya go, I’m done with him. I DONT THINK SO!!! He is my son, my baby. I have done everything for him, taken care of him and bought everything he needs without his help what so ever. I wish he would go away! Let me have my kids and just go away forever. I can’t say i regret meeting him, I wouldn’t have my boys if i didn’t, but I  just wish i could just get him to go away! and stop controling me and trying to control my every move, thought and action. And yet I am the fool who lets him do this to me all the time. Which in my opinion makes me just as guilty as him in some points.

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